The Fulmerazzi

…a day in the life

Bachelorette recap: No One Puts Baby in the Corner June 3, 2009

Filed under: Bachelor, BABY — Lauren Fulmer @ 10:33 pm

 

Sixteen guys left and the fun continues…


ONE-ON-ONE DATE NUMERO 1: Adventures with Ed

First off is a signature-Bachelor date: the thrilling helicopter ride. I was wondering how many episodes we’d have to wait for this date.

 

Ed and Jillian look pretty cozy as they fly along the coastline into downtown LA. Next, they belay off of the side of a tall building. I don’t know about you, but my palms got sweaty simply watching this from the safety of my own couch!

 

What does Ed win for a day of jumping off buildings and swinging in mid-air?… A romantic rooftop dinner with the bachelorette, of course! They flirt, smooch, and everything is going smoothly until Romeo drops the most generic, cheesy compliment of all time: “I like your eyes.”

 

Editors note: This type of compliment should only be used if….

a) you genuinely mean it. 

b) you have something else to add (i.e.: “I like your eyes and ____”  OR “I like your eyes because_____.”

 

GROUP DATE: The Good, The Bad, The Awkward

Next up is a group date with 11 guys. On a western movie set. Yeah, because we’ve never seen the whole “Hollywood movie set/role-play date”… ABC sure doesn’t get the creativity rose on this one.

 

Once on set, they head straight to wardrobe where everyone gets a costume that just so happens to fit their personality: It’s a giant un-sexy poncho for the Gingy from Chicago, leopard fur chaps and vest for the “Foot Fetish Dude”, and a cute sheriff outfit for Kiptynite. Perfecto!

 

Picture-1-720039-1

Aaaaand Scene!

 

Tanner F (from Wichita) is flirting with Jillian in the saloon when Gingy struts in and starts a fight. Gingy throws Tanner out and it’s time for his big kiss scene. Problem is, he might as well have been kissing his grandmother… or a dead fish. Well, at least he’s delusional about the whole thing: “I just gave Jillian one of the best kisses of her life!” 

 

Yeah… whatever helps him sleep at night.

 

Now let’s play a game called “Things you should probably keep to yourself”:

Contestant #1 Robby the Rozmo: “I’ve been single for well over two years… so it’s been QUITE awhile since I’ve kissed a girl.” 

 

Contestant #2: Tanner P “Foot Fetish Man” at the wrap party later that evening:

“I looooove feet and in the hot tub her feet looked sooooo good. I just wanted to, like… put them in my mouth. Daddy was like ‘this’ close.

 

ONE-ON-ONE DATE NUMERO 2: Fast Cars and Freedom, errr… Sasha’s goodbye party

As Sasha the Serbian gets ready for his date with Jilly, he shares his oddball analogy in which he is the wolf among all of the other sheep (the other guys)… he continues by saying he’s still in search of his ‘mythical unicorn’. Innnnteresting.

 

Sasha and Jillian check out the sports car museum, have a quasi-awkward photo shoot,  and then take a Ferrari for a spin downtown. Later at dinner, Sasha opens up about his tragic car accident. He also opens up about past relationships, indirectly disses the three women he has said the L-word to, and goes on about attaining that mythical unicorn again. 

 

In the end… it was no unicorn for Sasha. Jillian withheld the rose for various reasons, but perhaps this “wolf” just didn’t have a realistic approach to finding his perfect woman. You know, stuff like the fact that she’ll never have a rainbow-colored mane or a giant horn growing from her forehead.

 

The poor lad goes from the driver’s seat of a Ferrari to the back of a public bus in a matter of hours. BURN!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY: No one puts Baby (David/The Rock) in the corner

Reid gets his long-awaited kiss. Jilly tells him to hang in there!

 

David “The Rock” continues to remind us of his extreme patience/ego/anger issues. (in case you’ve missed it thus far)

 

And I quote: “How Do I say this without sounding arrogant… but I’m kinda used to being the Top Dog, ok? I’m used to having attention and what-not…. and I’m not getting it. (blah blah blah… me me me). I’m not used to sharing.”

 

Now I couldn’t have scripted this better… but guess who comes to interrupt?! Juan.

 

Tanner again states his purpose: “I’m here to suck on some toes. I’m here to meet me some Jillian.”

 

I canNOT figure this guy out!  I think he must be some form of asexual. He doesn’t like boys. He doesn’t like girls. He’s simply likes FEET!


ROSE CEREMONY

Well, it was a miracle that The Rock didn’t murder someone… instead, the audience got to enjoy about 30 minutes of him pouting about Juan, being a tool, and bullying the other guys. 

 

In the end, roses went to:  Aviator Jake, Reid, Pizza-boy Mark, Jesse, Foot Fetish Dude, Wes, Juan, Break-dancer, Kiptynite, Speedo Mike, and… wait for it…. The Rock.

 

Until next week,

 

L

 

Song-of-the-day: \”Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked\” by Cage the Elephant

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