Another week of The Bachelorette… another entertaining night watching dudes with no game.
This week’s episode opens up at the “dude ranch” with the 20 remaining bachelors lifting weights, drinkin’ beer… ya know…. everyday guy stuff!
First Group Date: Pool Party at Jillian’s mansion
Let the GAME begin.
Brian says: “What’s up lil’ hottie?!” (Then purrs like a kitten) Sounds like our boy Brian dipped into his time capsule of middle-school pickup lines for this one.
Meanwhile, Mathue flexes his pec muscles, Sasha lathers Jillian up with sunscreen, and Michael proceeds to pick his nose during his alone time with her. Looks like this pool party is off to a good start.
Jillian runs off with the rose and has the guys race across LA, hunting for clues to track her down. “Team Wes/The gingy from Chicago” win and are the first to find Jillian at the Vault. It’s Wes she chooses for the dinner date while Gingy and the other lads are left to sulk at the bar.
Now… I was on the fence about Wes last week but let me go ahead and state my opinion: I smell a rat. I think he’s a phony and just wants the extra publicity for his lifeless music career. He doesnt seem into Jillian at all and it sorta looks like a porcupine died on his head.
One-on-One date: Aviator Jake!
Aviator Jake gets the one-on-one date and he’s one of my faves. I think he’s cute, kind, and his 12-pack abs don’t hurt his cause. He’s constantly giggling and seems genuinely interested in Jillian. They hunt for Western gear, Jilly dances on the bar, and they two-step the night away.
When they sit down for dinner, Jake starts firing off generic cheeseball-isms like “All the success in the world with no one to share it with, it means nothing.”
Jillian has drunk eyes at this point… guess she can’t keep up with her old Coyote Ugly days. The couple two-step to Martina McBride and dance the night away. Jake gets a rose and everyone goes home happy!
Group date 2: B-ball in Venice Beach with the Harlem Globetrotters
Jillian takes the guys to Venice Beach for a little game of shirts vs. skins. Egos fly high until the Globetrotters show up.
“I would say that out of all the guys in the house, I’m probably the most athletic. I think some girls think that’s attractive.” -David “The Rock’s Twin”
Hmmm, David… I think you’re on to something. While some girls are into athletic guys, almost ALL girls are not into cocky guys. You lose.
Who wears short shorts? Juan wears short shorts.
After the Globe Trotters came and embarrassed all the lil’ white boys…. they picked The Rock as their pick for Jillian. WHAT?! Later on the beach, Mike grabbed a speedo from one of the innocent bystanders and ran into the water to get Jill’s attention. She freaked out, laughed, and loved every minute of it. Oh, what men will do to get our attention!
That night, the whole crew went to the Viceroy Hotel to lounge in the bar by the pool. Rough life.
David, aka: The Rock, plays alpha-male and hates on Juan who sneakily poured his shot out yet pretended to drink it. This guy has some severe anger management issues and spends more time plotting against Juan, than winning over the bachelorette.
His hateful comments towards Juan include but are not limited to:
– “We should tie him to a tree and beat him up”.
– “He’s completely wrong for Jillian. He’s wrong for anybody. He should go drown himself.”
– “He’s a snake. He’s breaking man-code left and right.”
….. Tell us what you really think.
See the resemblence?
Kiptyn accidentally admitting he’s a heartbreaker and then nearly passing out from speaking the longest run-on sentence I’ve ever heard. Breathe, Kiptynite, she’s into you. Relax.
Note that Jillian is kissing all these guys. She’s the one putting the moves on them!
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony:
Tanner P “The Foot Guy”: “One of my primary goals for tonight is that Jillian is wearing open-toed shoes.” Aim high, Tanner. Nice to know he’s the goal-oriented one.
Robby, bartender extraordinaire, made her a “Rozmo”: part Robby. Part cosmo.
Brian, famous for his “Hot Tub Harris” nickname for Jillian, gathers the crowd by the pool, proceeds to strip tease saying “I have a lot to uncover. There’s a lot of layers” (referring to his personality I’m sure)…. ends up running buck-naked into the pool!
On the parting scene… he shamefully says: “She apparently didnt like what she saw. Me jumpin’ in the pool naked might’ve had something to do with it.” Ya THINK?!
Roses go to: Wes, Aviator Jake, Speedo Mike, Juan, Jesse, The Rock, Ed from Chi-town, Sasha, Pizza boy Mark, Michael, Foot Fetish Tanner, Kiptynite, Reid, Rozmo, Tanner F (from wichita!), and Brad
Until next week,
Song-of-the-day:\”Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)\” by The Arcade Fire